You are from the Westside if:

You catch trains from Flinders St Station via platform 5

Your train line runs through North Melbourne

You drive over the Westgate Bridge to get in/out of the city

Your too drunk to drive over the Westgate you take Dynon or Footscray Road/s

You know that a trolley pole is not used for shopping sprees

You know that the ‘Broady Boys’ are not a Broadway appreciation group

You know that the ‘Footscray Asians’ don’t carry machetes around because they enjoy gardening

You know at least one person who picked up smoking at the age of 11

Being a Dole bludger is a valid career option

You regard cops with high suspicion and feel at times less safe when they are around

At one point in your life you hung around at Highpoint Shopping Centre Level 1

You know how to swear in at least 3 different languages

You know that the best donuts in the world are from Olympic donuts at Footscray station

At one point in your life you have been or have tried to get Centerlink benefits

You know the location of at least 3 Centerlinks

You refer to police officers as anything other than police officers

You believe that everybody from Werribee are a bunch of moles (no offence to the moles from Werribee)

You always abbreviate the name of the high school you went to e.g. Sunny West, 4C, CRC, KPSC,

You know that getting ‘Smashed’ is a good thing but getting ‘Chopped’ is a bad thing

The site of a burning car on the side of the road does not faze you

You know the Calder freeway has no speed cameras

You have eaten late night meals at Marty’s Pizza hideout, Charlies, Furlong Kebabs, Lazy Mo’s, Smoking Jo’s

You know that the burgers are better at Ring Road Maccas (city bound side)

You drunk better when you drive

You have at least 1 story where a cop has hassled you for being ‘ethnic’

Yes that is Marijuana growing in your neighbour’s backyard

You believe that Puckle St has the best coffees in Melbourne

You know that dodging train ticket inspectors is a life skill

You take out your packet of smokes at any train station someone is guaranteed to ask you for a ‘spare’ smoke

Soccer is the national sport of the west

You know somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody

You can buy 50cent cigarette singles from Tony’s

You’ve attended a drink up at Footscray Park

You’ve had a pork bun from Alfrieda St

You’ve never had trouble scoring alcohol/cigarettes/drugs/dodgy mobile phones despite being underage

Your train line has cops for ticket inspectors

You know that house parties in the west are always better

The word ‘Cunt’ is only semi offensive and can actually be a complement e.g “Watta sick cunt”

Being a ‘Tradie’ can earn you more money than a dude in a suit

You have witnessed the following: gang brawls, drug deals/busts, car theft, shop lifting, armed robbery etc.

You don’t even notice graffiti anymore

You regard kids who go to private schools in the eastside as a bunch of pussies

Have trouble explaining to non-westsider’s were you are from because they’ve never heard of it before

It takes you maximum 20minutes to get to the airport

You at least know one person who is a drug dealer or knows somebody that does

You understand why a person with no job and no income can some how afford a double storey house

You’ve been to a birthday held at the local soccer club

A fair fight is 1 vs 20

Walking through Kensington doesn’t scare you

You know the phrase ‘Just bumming around’ does not refer to somebody's sexuality

House break-ins are just part of everyday life

The western suburbs has one of Australia’s best tattoo artists e.g Pete Norris

You’ve hung out at Willie Beach

You know about the ‘haunted house’ near the airport

You’ve taken your girlfriend/boyfriend to the airport lookout to ‘talk’

You’ve had at least 1 BBQ at Brimbank Park

You’ve had a drink at Anglars

For some uncanny reason it seems that somebody you know is always somebody else’s cousin

You know that being ‘fully sick’ doesn’t mean your unhealthy

It is likely your first car was either a Falcon, Corolla or a Commodore

Common names of kids you went to school with include Con, Mario, JC, CJ, RJ, PJ, JP, JR, Troung, Nam, Doung, Mario, Mohammed, Jim, Spiro

You know that Franco Cozzo Footscray isn't a furniture store..

You know when to roll your windows up when driving on the Western Ring Road

"Extreme Karibee" bags were used as school backpacks, and not for camping

The sight of bums on the street don't faze you... hey you probably went to highschool with them

When you want to buy something for cheap you go to the guy selling stuff out of his car boot at the local supermarket parking lot

You know that 'Doing time' does not mean getting a time out from your parents

You know that the Western Bulldogs were once the Foostcray Bulldogs... Go Doggies!!!

You know it has that other AFL team.. Essendon Bombers or something along those lines.. really can't remember

You have at least dumped one car at either Niddrie or Sunshine Quarry

You know that the roundabouts off Sharps RD are alright for late night drifting

You've been to Greenvale Hospital

Grabbing a bag of Ice does not mean going down to your local servo to fill up your esky

You know that Muzza talk and FOB speak are valid and real languages

You've seen 'Bitch please... i'm from the eastside/stheastside' and don't find it funny

You don't have to turn on your TV to watch 'Police Files Unlocked'

You've almost drowned at Melton Waves as a kid

You can sleep through the sound of cop/ambo's/fire fighter sirens, illegal fireworks, hoon burnouts, shootouts, house parties and drug raids like a baby

You know what the term 'Chasing' is

You know how to spot a 'Westie' mum

You know the best places for second hand crap is WestEnd Market or Laverton Market

When people post clips of fights on YouTube you probably were there when it happened

You refer to Deer Park as FearPark, Sunshine as Scumshine, St Albans as Stab Albans and Werribee as Hick-Town (no offense to the hicks in Werribee)

Kappa pants and bumbags... do i need to say more?

You know that '3021' isn't just a post code

You've tagged a bus stop or 4 when you were in high school

Instead of a Mr Whippy van, your street had a gelati van operated by a big Italian dude in a sweaty wife beater... and it was the best Gelati you've ever bloddy had

ACE Go-Karts.... enough said

Made your own spirits from alcohol cooking essence

Used a police scanner to keep the house party informed of patrols

You know that 7-eleven on ballarat rd sells "springer kits"

Found a pic of a school teacher in people or picture (true story)

You shopped at cash converters for a "present"

You remember Bourbon St... there'll never be one like it again

It's pronounced Knifepoint not Highpoint

You drink at the local lawn bowls club cos' Happy Hour pots are only $1.80

You lost your virginity after a night at Tudor Inn/Volt nightclub

The local bottle-o can read your hand signals for a 6 pack or slab

You know what the spraycan/plastic bag combo is used for

You have been to PURE to see one of the Big Brother
“Stars”...*cough*cough*

in other news I had a fucking hilarious conversation with a busdriver today about ticket inspectors. he wasn't exactly fluent in english, but snippets include:
"they waste money"
"they delay 40 minutes"
"they racist cunts, huh"
"i tell them international student been on two minute - not have time to buy ticket - getting money"
"they argue - is not my job to harass people for money - i drive bus"
"they pussy - not fine druggie users - too scared - instead target pensioner"
"told em to get off my fucking bus"

the mustard-coloured bus company have the best drivers in the world. i had one who was reading a broadsheet while simultaneously driving the bus and talking on his mobile. there's another one that plays the western-european radio station rather loudly.