greatest oo-mat quote ever: "her face scrunched up like her nipple"

"i think the dentist has a bit of a thing for me"
"who? koo. he's a bit young isn't he. i think he likes kiong more than you anyway"
"errr. no. mortimer"
"ohhhh. the dead-looking guy. you sure he's not just feeling guilty about the time he got a bit of your tooth lodged in your eye"

bertrand russel is a commie.
bertrand russel is set reading for uni.
typical.

roads to freedom has both marx and bakunin on the front cover.
i don't think its because he managed to find pictures of them in which they both had rather similiar beards.

You are from the Westside if:

You catch trains from Flinders St Station via platform 5

Your train line runs through North Melbourne

You drive over the Westgate Bridge to get in/out of the city

Your too drunk to drive over the Westgate you take Dynon or Footscray Road/s

You know that a trolley pole is not used for shopping sprees

You know that the ‘Broady Boys’ are not a Broadway appreciation group

You know that the ‘Footscray Asians’ don’t carry machetes around because they enjoy gardening

You know at least one person who picked up smoking at the age of 11

Being a Dole bludger is a valid career option

You regard cops with high suspicion and feel at times less safe when they are around

At one point in your life you hung around at Highpoint Shopping Centre Level 1

You know how to swear in at least 3 different languages

You know that the best donuts in the world are from Olympic donuts at Footscray station

At one point in your life you have been or have tried to get Centerlink benefits

You know the location of at least 3 Centerlinks

You refer to police officers as anything other than police officers

You believe that everybody from Werribee are a bunch of moles (no offence to the moles from Werribee)

You always abbreviate the name of the high school you went to e.g. Sunny West, 4C, CRC, KPSC,

You know that getting ‘Smashed’ is a good thing but getting ‘Chopped’ is a bad thing

The site of a burning car on the side of the road does not faze you

You know the Calder freeway has no speed cameras

You have eaten late night meals at Marty’s Pizza hideout, Charlies, Furlong Kebabs, Lazy Mo’s, Smoking Jo’s

You know that the burgers are better at Ring Road Maccas (city bound side)

You drunk better when you drive

You have at least 1 story where a cop has hassled you for being ‘ethnic’

Yes that is Marijuana growing in your neighbour’s backyard

You believe that Puckle St has the best coffees in Melbourne

You know that dodging train ticket inspectors is a life skill

You take out your packet of smokes at any train station someone is guaranteed to ask you for a ‘spare’ smoke

Soccer is the national sport of the west

You know somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody

You can buy 50cent cigarette singles from Tony’s

You’ve attended a drink up at Footscray Park

You’ve had a pork bun from Alfrieda St

You’ve never had trouble scoring alcohol/cigarettes/drugs/dodgy mobile phones despite being underage

Your train line has cops for ticket inspectors

You know that house parties in the west are always better

The word ‘Cunt’ is only semi offensive and can actually be a complement e.g “Watta sick cunt”

Being a ‘Tradie’ can earn you more money than a dude in a suit

You have witnessed the following: gang brawls, drug deals/busts, car theft, shop lifting, armed robbery etc.

You don’t even notice graffiti anymore

You regard kids who go to private schools in the eastside as a bunch of pussies

Have trouble explaining to non-westsider’s were you are from because they’ve never heard of it before

It takes you maximum 20minutes to get to the airport

You at least know one person who is a drug dealer or knows somebody that does

You understand why a person with no job and no income can some how afford a double storey house

You’ve been to a birthday held at the local soccer club

A fair fight is 1 vs 20

Walking through Kensington doesn’t scare you

You know the phrase ‘Just bumming around’ does not refer to somebody's sexuality

House break-ins are just part of everyday life

The western suburbs has one of Australia’s best tattoo artists e.g Pete Norris

You’ve hung out at Willie Beach

You know about the ‘haunted house’ near the airport

You’ve taken your girlfriend/boyfriend to the airport lookout to ‘talk’

You’ve had at least 1 BBQ at Brimbank Park

You’ve had a drink at Anglars

For some uncanny reason it seems that somebody you know is always somebody else’s cousin

You know that being ‘fully sick’ doesn’t mean your unhealthy

It is likely your first car was either a Falcon, Corolla or a Commodore

Common names of kids you went to school with include Con, Mario, JC, CJ, RJ, PJ, JP, JR, Troung, Nam, Doung, Mario, Mohammed, Jim, Spiro

You know that Franco Cozzo Footscray isn't a furniture store..

You know when to roll your windows up when driving on the Western Ring Road

"Extreme Karibee" bags were used as school backpacks, and not for camping

The sight of bums on the street don't faze you... hey you probably went to highschool with them

When you want to buy something for cheap you go to the guy selling stuff out of his car boot at the local supermarket parking lot

You know that 'Doing time' does not mean getting a time out from your parents

You know that the Western Bulldogs were once the Foostcray Bulldogs... Go Doggies!!!

You know it has that other AFL team.. Essendon Bombers or something along those lines.. really can't remember

You have at least dumped one car at either Niddrie or Sunshine Quarry

You know that the roundabouts off Sharps RD are alright for late night drifting

You've been to Greenvale Hospital

Grabbing a bag of Ice does not mean going down to your local servo to fill up your esky

You know that Muzza talk and FOB speak are valid and real languages

You've seen 'Bitch please... i'm from the eastside/stheastside' and don't find it funny

You don't have to turn on your TV to watch 'Police Files Unlocked'

You've almost drowned at Melton Waves as a kid

You can sleep through the sound of cop/ambo's/fire fighter sirens, illegal fireworks, hoon burnouts, shootouts, house parties and drug raids like a baby

You know what the term 'Chasing' is

You know how to spot a 'Westie' mum

You know the best places for second hand crap is WestEnd Market or Laverton Market

When people post clips of fights on YouTube you probably were there when it happened

You refer to Deer Park as FearPark, Sunshine as Scumshine, St Albans as Stab Albans and Werribee as Hick-Town (no offense to the hicks in Werribee)

Kappa pants and bumbags... do i need to say more?

You know that '3021' isn't just a post code

You've tagged a bus stop or 4 when you were in high school

Instead of a Mr Whippy van, your street had a gelati van operated by a big Italian dude in a sweaty wife beater... and it was the best Gelati you've ever bloddy had

ACE Go-Karts.... enough said

Made your own spirits from alcohol cooking essence

Used a police scanner to keep the house party informed of patrols

You know that 7-eleven on ballarat rd sells "springer kits"

Found a pic of a school teacher in people or picture (true story)

You shopped at cash converters for a "present"

You remember Bourbon St... there'll never be one like it again

It's pronounced Knifepoint not Highpoint

You drink at the local lawn bowls club cos' Happy Hour pots are only $1.80

You lost your virginity after a night at Tudor Inn/Volt nightclub

The local bottle-o can read your hand signals for a 6 pack or slab

You know what the spraycan/plastic bag combo is used for

You have been to PURE to see one of the Big Brother
“Stars”...*cough*cough*

in other news I had a fucking hilarious conversation with a busdriver today about ticket inspectors. he wasn't exactly fluent in english, but snippets include:
"they waste money"
"they delay 40 minutes"
"they racist cunts, huh"
"i tell them international student been on two minute - not have time to buy ticket - getting money"
"they argue - is not my job to harass people for money - i drive bus"
"they pussy - not fine druggie users - too scared - instead target pensioner"
"told em to get off my fucking bus"

the mustard-coloured bus company have the best drivers in the world. i had one who was reading a broadsheet while simultaneously driving the bus and talking on his mobile. there's another one that plays the western-european radio station rather loudly.

let me draw your attention to the school budget/finance report.
something dodgy definitely going on.

2 million from 'locally raised funds'
and 250 thousand on 'salaries and allowances'
while 800 thousand goes to 'miscellaneous'

i think the bursar is involved with monies launderings. i think she just presumed nobody would read the financial report.

what more embarassing that calling the teacher mum?
something too embarassing to publish on the internets.

eating vitabrits/weetbix/aldi-brand-wheatcakes with sugar is just fucking weird.
i mean, you wouldn't drink water with a teaspoon/tablespoon/cup of sugar.

Q: What is Mormons Exposed?

A: Mormons Exposed is a new brand launching a forward-thinking product - a steamy 2008 calendar featuring twelve handsome former Mormon missionaries who have dared to pose bare-chested in the first-ever Men on a Mission calendar. Usually seen riding their bicycles and preaching door-to-door, the calendar celebrates these missionaries' great looks and beautiful bodies, as well as the amazing stories of service of these deeply spiritual men.

Q: What makes the Men on a Mission calendar so unique?

A: Behind the eye-candy, this calendar has a deeper story - one that can reshape perceptions, heighten awareness, and perhaps encourage and inspire a broadened acceptance of human and religious diversity. The fact that twelve young returned missionaries are posing shirtless will certainly raise eyebrows, but may also help to sort out some common misconceptions about Mormons. The shock value of what these traditionally conservative young men have helped to create has the power to build a dialogue that encourages people across every belief system and walk of life to defy stereotypes, step out of judgment and embrace tolerance.

"hey, these jeans are leaking dye everywhere, good thing i didn't put them in the sink with your accountant shirt" (kham)
"what are you talking about, didn't you know that, all jeans leak dye, people won't buy a pair of jeans that don't leak dye" (kiong)
"when was the last time you wore a pair of jeans"* (kham)


*i reality, i know the answer to this question, it was over ten years ago, workplace was having a jeans for genes day. they didn't fit. he put a belt on and hope nobody would notice. these days, ten years later, kiong is a 'trackies' man these days. i can only hope that in another ten years he'll be a 'wu-tang' pants man.

Building Musicality in Your Children
Tuesday 6 May 7.00-8.30pm 6 sessions
A class for parents or grandparents of babies and young children, to teach you how to build a love of music and foundation skills. No! You don‟t have to be able to sing!
Cost $65 con $58

only at the yarraville community centre.

i wonder if vincent of vincents vegetarian (read vegan*) is a real person, or is he simply a fictional character similiar to the like of mr.sheen or hubba/bubba.

i fucking love vincents. 500g tvp for less than two dollars.
also, insider knowledge, as well as a peak into the storeroom (where i identified at least three of the 'secret seasoning'), lead me to believe that the lord of the fires purchases from vincents (at those tvp prices, plus a jacking up of store prices its hard to see how they can justify a lowering of employee wages - if you have money to expand, you have money to pay a promised wage).

mr. vincent the vegetarian is truely a great man, for you see, all the other vegan food companies are hardley run by asian people (or at least asian people who make packaged vegan foodz), i mean where else are you meant to find vegan rojak sauce, intestine, chicken feet, and a various assortment of various non-animal offal (if you can technically call it that)


*i think its one of those translational things, like when your order plane food and it says "vegan vegetarian". i've never stumbles across anything in there that wasn't vegan.

ps/ the acca & g's main office is in caledonia lane, i can't be the only one who finds that hilarious

"don't say untrue things about me to my friends"
is apparently a rule which only works in one direction, and doesn't work the other way round.

sometimes people jsut keep their mouths shut to avoid pointless drama. sometimes they don't.
if you seriously think someone has never said anything bad of you. you delusional. it just hasn't gotten back to you. people who care about you have kept it to themselves because it was viscious and painful, and to tell would simply be vindictive.

meldrama is what passions is for.

little milan in all grown up and eighteen. rumour has it samuel bought him two square metres of polar-fleece.

prior to milans b-day celebrations i spent a few hours chillin with me grandmother. she hates fatty almost as much as i do. but not nearly as much as she despises my aunt and cousins.

in other news i saw perhaps one of the most crowd-popular busking performances i've ever seen, it also helps that they were on the same corner as the guy who listens to his ipod and sings along into a microphone.

giant snickers bar = waste of time and monies = not vegan

i don't like it - it looks too much like a twinkie.

uni markz: 67 H3

otherwise know as who gives a shit, i passed comfortably, and cos i'm in VCE thats all that matters.

pulp free orange juice. i don't like it. its not natural. juice come out friut ya know.
neither is 'never oily, never dry' peanut butter. quantum physics states that solids should seperate from liquids into layers. its the law.

emily clake of aduki (whom i've never actually met); if my memory serves me correctly the 2004 stage manager was a vegan named emily clark. 2 + 2 = ?

i got free tooth mousse. its not vegan. but there is literally no vegan-alternative for suffers of sensitive teeth.

many people poo-poo sensitive teeth. i hate to break it to you, but it can't all be fixed by using sensodyn and avoiding icecream.

went to get me teeth cleaned at the dentist. he offered me a local anaesthetic. i refused. i got the testicular fortitude. it was still fucking uncomfortable through.

i wonder how the federal government gets away with funding world youth day - and indeed the popes in prada shoes visit - what with the separation of powers and all that.

quote from police officer on channel nine news regarding protesters who do not want dennis fergeson in their community:
"listen mate i've arrested more pedophiles than you've had hot meals"
here's the kicker: he was talking directly to a person of a aboriginal descent.

long story short: i have a pair or shmuel underwear which i now have to find a hiding spot for -lest kiong stumble upon them.

the elongated, less sleazy sounding version:
i did a very silly thing. i wore these really warm thigh-high socks instead of my usualy winter double-layer of tights. and i was nice and warm, and everything was fine, despite it being rather wet and windy outside. and then i sat at the bus-shelter. i think my trunk hass lost some of its junk as a result of frostbite. couldn't be bothered walking back to the flat. caught bus to shmuels house.

the plan was you see, we were going to go the east brunswick club, where we would masticate vegan parmas for 'din dins'. then to proceed onto the public bar where would drink the beer and observe the non-vegans drunk of the non-vegan dollar pots and 4-50 jugs.

there was no way i was going to be sitting on cold metal benches all night so the smokers could smoke. the thing was, shmuel live in a bachelor pad, four males and no clothes which would fit kham. it was very cold that monday night.

the only thing we could find the would both fit and insulate my upper thighs were underpants. which ended up looking more like shorts (despite the odd shape they fell in due to a lack of testicles) on kham.

we took public transport. it didn't seem like an appropriate place to return borrowed underwear worn as outerwear (under a dress).

i wonder what they would have said, had i been hit buy a bus.

fucking dickheads, turn off the water for six hours and not tell anybody. its a health issue. i had to go down to the shop to purchase drinking water.

kiong had a 50 minute cry about china and tibet tonight. apparently "all these ignorant fuckers don't understand (dramatic pause) tibet will always belong to china" and "the delai lama is like fucking mugabe".


ps/ i'm pretty sure he's wrong, i'm pretty sure mugabe doesn't have gucci sandals.

its one of those horrid ethical dilemas, where society is faced to choose one of their values over the other:
do we support lord of the fries because they promote veganism...
or...
do we condemn them for their explotation of workers.

its certainly a dilly-of-a-pickle.

doesn't make me wanna run out and eat chicken...

"there are some positives to gentrification you know"
yeah, the people in st.kilda will stop winging cos they will have moved to the newest artist/bohemian/hispter area.

"i'm pretty sure that guys selling drugs, why else would four lots of dodgy looking people have popped in in the last couple of hours" (samuel gestures to the flat across the 'courtyard')

"of couse they are, i went to get the paper the other morning and someone was sleeping on their doormat"